North By North East

Our People

Hobbes was zapping channels and stopped at 'India's Comedy Kings'. Moz groaned. Hobbes drawled, “Moz! Stop being a snob. There's surely a reason why it's the most popular telly show.” Moz said, “I for one am not interested in finding out why!” I felt for Moz. The show comprised of cross dressing men, misogynistic jokes and double meaning humour. The host announced that he was going to kick things off with an international quiz.

“America ka IQ India se kam kyun hai?” he tittered

“Kyunki wahan paper aankh se nahin, g***d se padte hain!”

We winced but the man was just getting warmed up

“Ek dinner plate main mare hue cockroach, spider aur grasshopper ko kya kehte hain?”

“Chinese Bhel!” he thundered

The studio audience clapped hysterically

“Jab 1000 Afreeki din mein ek saath aa jaayen, toh kya dikhta hai?”

He guffawed “Raat!”

I had had enough. I wrenched the remote and turned off the TV. Before an argument could break out, the doorbell rang. I opened the door and it was our neighbour, Mr Argumentative Indian, with a box of chocolates. Hobbes said, “Back from America! How was it?”

Mr AI: I felt like I was in Gult land! Insufferable!

Hobbes: Why can't you Tam-brams get along with the Gults?

Mr AI: IQ mismatch!

Hobbes: If IQ is what you are looking maybe you should make friends with the Bongs

Mr AI: Bongs! They are a clannish lot

Hobbes: How about the Panjus? They are a warm hearted lot

Mr AI: Yeah! And a loud mouthed lot as well

Hobbes: Mallus?

Mr AI: With friends like them I will not need enemies

Hobbes: What about Ghats? They are the quiet sort

Mr AI: No ways! Their Senas keep bashing up us 'outsiders' in Mumbai

Hobbes: Gujjus?

Mr AI: Two years in IIMA and I can't take any more of those thepla-wallahs

Hobbes: How about UP?

Mr AI: I can't handle Northies be they Bhaiyyas, Harries or Choms

Hobbes: So it's just fellow Tams I guess

Mr AI: Fellow Tams? You mean 'fellow' Tam-brams I suppose

Hobbes, it seemed, was determined to cover every state. I stepped in and said, “Leaving aside the Gults, how was your trip?” Mr AI said, “I don't like goras. Bloody racists! Always looking down upon us Indians. Am glad to be back. 'Our people' are 'Our People! See you later, have to unpack!”

As AI departed, I turned on the telly. A young 'North-East' boy had been lynched in the nation's capital. His crime – objecting to being mocked at on account of his 'Chinese/Nepali' features. I switched off the TV and said, “This is preposterous! Stupid Northies!” Hobbes nodded in agreement and said, “This can only happen in Delhi. Bloody uncivilized place!” The two of us ranted for a bit before Moz raised his hand and said, “It's not preposterous at all. If anything it is along expected lines.” Before we could give vent to our outrage, he continued, “Seven states in the North-East. Each culturally quite different from the other? But to us the Mizos are the same as the Bodos are same as the Khasis. That is if we don't snigger at them as being Nepali or Chinese. As for the 'bloody Northies' we all know they come from Mars. And Delhi-ites have green blood flowing in their veins. Not to mention the lengthy exposition that Mr AI gave us on 'Our People'! Then there are the 'goras' – but how can calling someone fair be an insult? About the 'Afreekis', what can I say?” Hobbes and I looked contrite and mumbled, “Sorry! That's not what we meant. You know we want things to change.”

He turned on the TV and the Arunachali boy's lynching had been replaced as the top story by the rise of Satya Nadella as Microsoft's worldwide CEO. Moz smiled and said, “See things have already changed. It's time for 'our people' to move on from the death of one North East boy in our country and celebrate the rise of one of 'Our People' in another country. Till yesterday Nadella was a 'Gult', now he is an Indian. Nothing is what it seems, everything is ephemeral or as 'Our People' say sab maya hai!”

Tail Piece

"The fact that a person of Indian origin has been trusted to fill the shoes of Bill Gates and lead the most impactful global technology company is the finest thing that could have happened to India," NR Narayana Murthy, the chairman of Infosys

Says the man who refuses to let go of 'his' company. This not to mention that amongst all of Infosys' 150,000 employees he could not find one person capable enough to assist him and so brought in his own son – on merit naturally.