The More Things Change...

A-Rod came in looking all glum. I set down my paperback and said, “What's the matter young lady?” She slumped into the armchair and said, “My peers hate me!” I raised an eyebrow as I waited for her to elaborate. She wagged her mobile phone at me and said, “The wretches have voted for me to be the Speaker of the mock Parliament session in college. I hate them all!” I said, “But why? The speaker is a prestigious post. You should be elated.” She gave me a foul look and said, “Yeah right!” I ignored the sarcasm and continued, “Without the Speaker, Parliament cannot run. But then I suppose you are disappointed that you are not Prime Minister.” She shook her head and said, “ Prime Minister? Really?” “Leader of the Opposition then? Minister?” I asked more in hope than with any conviction. Confusion must have been writ large upon my face for she looked up from her iPad and said, “You really don't understand do you?” I nodded. She set down the iPad and said, “I just want to be an ordinary MP!” Even before she could complete, I blurted out, “An ordinary MP? Why? I thought you Screenagers were an ambitious lot. Being elected Speaker is 'serious shit' as Screenagers would say.”

A-Rod replied, “Are you done interrupting me? Well I want to be an ordinary MP because those are the guys who will have all the fun.” A little confused I said, “Fun? What fun is there to be had in Parliament? Running the country is serious business.” A-Rod giggled and said, “Old man you are funny. And before you begin your civics lecture, please take a look at this.” She put her Ipad on my lap as she waited for the Youtube video to buffer. The video buffered and there was a session of the Parliament in progress.

The Home Minister was speaking into a mike but it was impossible to hear him above the chants of 'Seemandhra, Telangana, Hai Hai'. A few MPs rushed over to the Minister and gave him a set of bangles. Another set advanced menacingly towards the Speaker and grabbed some documents and tore them into little bits. The Speaker kept squeaking, “This is not how you should behave. The nation is watching.” The words only added fuel to the unparliamentary fire and one MP pulled out a bottle of pepper spray, waved it in the air and sprayed some colleagues. Not to be outdone his colleague did a Salman Khan, tearing of his shirt to bear the words 'Save Democracy' written upon his chest. The camera panned to the Prime Minister. He sat there stoically, face devoid of all emotion – given the lack of movement I was not sure if it was him or a Madame Tussaud's impression. The leader of the opposition looked serious and glum but did nothing to try and calm the melee. The Speaker got up and squeaked as loudly as she could, “The House is adjourned!”

The video ended and A-Rod turned to me and said, “Saw? It's only the ordinary MPs who have fun. Shouting, screaming, spraying stuff, tearing up papers, heckling – I could have done it all and that too with no censure. After all we would just be emulating the leading lights of this nation. Now I will be on the receiving end. I hate my class!” She scooped up her iPad and left the room leaving behind a despondent me.

I turned to Moz who had been observing the whole episode and said, “This is so depressing.” He looked up from his hardbound and said, “Indeed!” I turned on the TV and the dates for the next General Election had been announced. I said, “I suppose change will come. In a few months we will have a new Parliament with a new PM, a new speaker, a new leader of the opposition and newer MPs.” Moz set down the book and said, “You said the same thing five years ago.” I looked at him and said, “Moz you should not be so cynical! Take heart in the old saying 'Hope springeth eternal' ” Moz smiled and said, “I prefer 'The more things change, the more they remain the same' or as it says in the holy Bhagvad Gita 'Sab Maya Hai'.”   

Off With Their Heads

This week I had the unique opportunity to interview a leading light of the South – Queen Of Hearts. Here is how it went

Me: Mighty Queen you have ordered the release of Rajiv Gandhi's assassins

QOH: It is the wish of the Tamil people. Off with the naysayers heads!

Me: But I am Tamil and I don't wish it

QOH: You are in the minority. Off with your head!

Me: You mean you conducted a census on the subject? How many opposed it?

QOH: I don't have to. I just know the mood of the people. Off with census' head

Me: But is this not a bad precedent? I mean he was the PM of India

QOH: Not at all, it's a very good precedent. It shows all Tamils are equal, even assassins. As for PM of India that is all well but he was not the CM of Tamil Nadu. Off with someone's head

Me: But...

QOH: Look we have done enough for him, we put up a memorial in Sriperambudur. Off with the memorial's head

Me: But...

QOH: What have other states done for him? Off with their heads!

Me: Ok! So you are dropping all your government's cases against Goggle-eyes?

QOH: Why should I? The guilty must be punished! Off with Goggle-eyes head

Me: But he has been a CM of Tamil Nadu

QOH: That's his biggest crime. He'll be shown no mercy. It's the wish of the Tamil people. Off with Goggle-eyes head

Me: But half the Tamil people voted for his party. He even won his seat with a thumping margin

QOH: He rigged all those votes. Another crime for which he shall pay. Off with his head

Me: But...

QOH: Clearly, you are an agent of Rajapakse. Security! Security! Off with the Bull's head

Wag The Dog

A week ago was Valentine's Day as most of the world knows it. On that day in the state of Chattisgarh children were busy professing their love for their parents. If this has conjured up some kind of disturbing Oedipal/Elektra visions in your head, perish the thought. They were simply celebrating Matru-Pitu diwas. It seems two years ago the BJP government in the state decided that Valentine's Day was un-Indian and rechristened February 14^th as a day to show one's love towards one's parents. Last heard Mr Raman Singh and the RSS are hoping that NaMo will take 'matru-pitu diwas' national and make it the 'Mother of all card giving days'. Amen

Gaana Shaana
Watch this song for Danny, for the clever Gulzar lyrics and for the state of our nation - still. 

North By North East

Our People

Hobbes was zapping channels and stopped at 'India's Comedy Kings'. Moz groaned. Hobbes drawled, “Moz! Stop being a snob. There's surely a reason why it's the most popular telly show.” Moz said, “I for one am not interested in finding out why!” I felt for Moz. The show comprised of cross dressing men, misogynistic jokes and double meaning humour. The host announced that he was going to kick things off with an international quiz.

“America ka IQ India se kam kyun hai?” he tittered

“Kyunki wahan paper aankh se nahin, g***d se padte hain!”

We winced but the man was just getting warmed up

“Ek dinner plate main mare hue cockroach, spider aur grasshopper ko kya kehte hain?”

“Chinese Bhel!” he thundered

The studio audience clapped hysterically

“Jab 1000 Afreeki din mein ek saath aa jaayen, toh kya dikhta hai?”

He guffawed “Raat!”

I had had enough. I wrenched the remote and turned off the TV. Before an argument could break out, the doorbell rang. I opened the door and it was our neighbour, Mr Argumentative Indian, with a box of chocolates. Hobbes said, “Back from America! How was it?”

Mr AI: I felt like I was in Gult land! Insufferable!

Hobbes: Why can't you Tam-brams get along with the Gults?

Mr AI: IQ mismatch!

Hobbes: If IQ is what you are looking maybe you should make friends with the Bongs

Mr AI: Bongs! They are a clannish lot

Hobbes: How about the Panjus? They are a warm hearted lot

Mr AI: Yeah! And a loud mouthed lot as well

Hobbes: Mallus?

Mr AI: With friends like them I will not need enemies

Hobbes: What about Ghats? They are the quiet sort

Mr AI: No ways! Their Senas keep bashing up us 'outsiders' in Mumbai

Hobbes: Gujjus?

Mr AI: Two years in IIMA and I can't take any more of those thepla-wallahs

Hobbes: How about UP?

Mr AI: I can't handle Northies be they Bhaiyyas, Harries or Choms

Hobbes: So it's just fellow Tams I guess

Mr AI: Fellow Tams? You mean 'fellow' Tam-brams I suppose

Hobbes, it seemed, was determined to cover every state. I stepped in and said, “Leaving aside the Gults, how was your trip?” Mr AI said, “I don't like goras. Bloody racists! Always looking down upon us Indians. Am glad to be back. 'Our people' are 'Our People! See you later, have to unpack!”

As AI departed, I turned on the telly. A young 'North-East' boy had been lynched in the nation's capital. His crime – objecting to being mocked at on account of his 'Chinese/Nepali' features. I switched off the TV and said, “This is preposterous! Stupid Northies!” Hobbes nodded in agreement and said, “This can only happen in Delhi. Bloody uncivilized place!” The two of us ranted for a bit before Moz raised his hand and said, “It's not preposterous at all. If anything it is along expected lines.” Before we could give vent to our outrage, he continued, “Seven states in the North-East. Each culturally quite different from the other? But to us the Mizos are the same as the Bodos are same as the Khasis. That is if we don't snigger at them as being Nepali or Chinese. As for the 'bloody Northies' we all know they come from Mars. And Delhi-ites have green blood flowing in their veins. Not to mention the lengthy exposition that Mr AI gave us on 'Our People'! Then there are the 'goras' – but how can calling someone fair be an insult? About the 'Afreekis', what can I say?” Hobbes and I looked contrite and mumbled, “Sorry! That's not what we meant. You know we want things to change.”

He turned on the TV and the Arunachali boy's lynching had been replaced as the top story by the rise of Satya Nadella as Microsoft's worldwide CEO. Moz smiled and said, “See things have already changed. It's time for 'our people' to move on from the death of one North East boy in our country and celebrate the rise of one of 'Our People' in another country. Till yesterday Nadella was a 'Gult', now he is an Indian. Nothing is what it seems, everything is ephemeral or as 'Our People' say sab maya hai!”

Tail Piece

"The fact that a person of Indian origin has been trusted to fill the shoes of Bill Gates and lead the most impactful global technology company is the finest thing that could have happened to India," NR Narayana Murthy, the chairman of Infosys

Says the man who refuses to let go of 'his' company. This not to mention that amongst all of Infosys' 150,000 employees he could not find one person capable enough to assist him and so brought in his own son – on merit naturally.

India News Digest - A spoofy take on God's own country!

Sab Maya Hai

Hobbes and Moz waited with bated breath in front of the television for the FIRST, EXCLUSIVE, PATHBREAKING, etcetera interview to be given by the inheritor – sorry vice president – of the grand old party. I tried telling them that it would be a waste of time and we were better off watching Kapil's Comdey Night. My reward for this astute observation was a lecture on how it was unbecoming of educated people to be so cynical about politics. Said Moz, “This elections could well decide the fate of this country for the next hundred years.” I smirked, “Yeah right! That's what you say about every election. In any case I will be dead well before that, so what do I care!” Hobbes shook his head in disgust and said, “You might be dead but what about the legacy we need to leave behind for our kids?” A-Rod, the 17 year old teenager immersed in a mobile screen, piped up and said, “Uncle Hobbes, my generation would like our legacy deposited in our bank account!” She and I burst out laughing at this witticism but Moz and Hobbes were not amused. I was about to build upon her remark when Moz shouted, “Shh! Shh! The interview is beginning!”

I swear I tried to pay attention but all those soporific standards of politics – systems, process, dynasty, 1984, women's bill, MPs, PM, CM, Gujarat, development model, secular, pseudo, minorities and such other – soon had me wandering in la-la land.

An hour later I woke up to find Hobbes and Moz in the middle of an argument. Said Hobbes, “The interview clearly reveals that the boy is an idiot!” Moz replied, “Maybe! But he is a well meaning idiot unlike your dictatorial bearded man!” Hobbes sniggered and said, “It's foolish to call a man a dictator when he's been democratically elected.” Moz thundered, “You are young and so let me refresh your memory. Indira Gandhi was elected and she declared Emergency.” Hobbes snorted and said, “Ten years the boy has done nothing and now talks of systems and processes!” Moz shot back, “15 years in power and in an election year your man suddenly decides to build a statue for Sardar Patel!” The two of them glared at each other angrily and then turned their eyes upon me. 

In an attempt to play peacemaker I said, “Calm down...” But before I could finish they shouted in unison, “We are arguing because we care about this nation, you slept through the damn thing! If this is the attitude of the aam aadmi what will happen to this nation?” I decided to try and lighten the mood saying, “I am many things I admit but with a 40 inch flatscreen, a Honda City in the garage, a Pierre Cardin muffler and an original Stetson hat, the last thing you can accuse me of being is an aam aadmi.” Moz and Hobbes were ready to explode when A-Rod piped up, “Can you take this outside it's time for Sherlock.”

We walked out muttering about self absorbed teenagers when we heard Sherlock yell, “Boring!” We ambled across to the nearby Irani tea stall. It was unusually empty given the time of day. We sat down at our favourite table and Moz called out to Yezdi, the owner, “Bawa! Dhandha kyun itna down hai.” Yezdi snorted and said, “Saala! Every nook and corner there seems to be a 'Namo' tea stall coming up! Which MNC owns this brand? Starbucks?” Hobbes laughed, “Yezdi! Namo tea stalls are being opened by the aam aadmi in support of the future prime minister from Gujarat.” 

Yezdi stared at Hobbes and said, “But I thought the aam aadmi fellow and the Gujarat fellow did not like each other.” Moz said, Yes, but...” Yezdi cut him off and said, “Also some years back I remember reading some slogan that said 'Congress ka haath, aam aadmi ke saath. Have the Congress and BJP joined hands? Politicians I tell you. All the same!” Even as Moz and Hobbes were sputtering for words I said, “BJP, Congress, Aam Aadmi – what does it matter? As the old Hindu saying goes 'Sab Maya Hai'”

Song Remains The Same

Here are two versions of the classic song from QSQT, 'Papa Kehte Hain' as might be sung by two of our 'tallest' leaders. It sounds much nicer  if you were to sing it rather than just read it. So happy singing

Baba's Version

Mummy kehti hai bada naam karega

Baba mera is desh pe raj karega

Magar yeh to main bhi na jaanoo

Ki meri manzil hai kahan

Baithe hain milke sab chamche apne

Sabke dilon mein armaan yeh hai

Wo zindagi mein kal minister banege

Har ek chamcha ka sapna yeh hai

Koi 2G se apna jeb bharega

Coal-gate main koi apna naam karega

Magar yeh to main bhi na jaanoo

Ki mere paas IQ hai ya na

Mummy kehti hai bada naam karega

Baba is desh par raj karega

Mera to sapna hai ek curs

Baithe jo uspe, kar sakta hai is desh ko barbad

System aur process laoon nayye main

Saare airports ko doonga Indira Gandhi ka naam

Buddhu ye khoobsurat kaam karega

Desh ki janata pai raaj karega

Meri IQ se dekho to yaaron

Ki meri manzil hai kahan

Mummy kehti hai bada naam karega

Baba mera is desh par raj karega

Daadhi Version

RSS kehta hai bada naam karega

Daadhi hamara Hindu Rashtra rachega

Magar yeh to Gujarat ke muslim hi jaanen

Ki meri manzil hai kahan

Baithe hain milke sab chamche apne

Sabke dilon mein armaan yeh hai

Wo zindagi mein kal minister banenge

Har ek chamche ka sapna yeh hai

Koi coffins ka ghotala karega

Koi mining scam main apna naam karega

Magar yeh toh Gujarat ke muslim hi jaanen

Ki meri manzil hai kahan

Mera to sapna hai ek kursi

Baithe jo uspe, kar sakta hai is desh ko barbad

Nero ka model laaoon saare desh bhar main

Lekar main zor zor se Sardar Patel ka naam

Daadhi ye khoobsurat kaam karega

Desh ki janata pai raaj karega

Meri Hindu nazron se dekho toh yaaron

Ki meri manzil hai kahan

RSS kehta hai bada naam karega

Daadhi hamara Hindu Rashtra rachega